Biden Judges Potential Running Mates On Talent, Poise And Swimsuit Competition [Satire]

The following is satirical.

We here at the Daily Wire have acquired Joe Biden’s list of potential running mates. The list was discovered in Biden’s basement wedged between a copy of Goodnight Moon and the manuscript of Biden’s upcoming autobiography, titled “The Greatest Moments of I Forgot What I was Talking About.”

In keeping with Biden’s promise that he would have complete integrity in kowtowing to every possible left-wing pressure group, the list only contains the names of female candidates along with Biden’s personal notes ranking them according to intelligence, talent, poise and the swimsuit competition.

Among the candidates is Stacey Abrams, of whom Biden writes, “I can only give her a six, but her sassy charm does call up some pert fantasies so won’t rule her out.”

Next to the listing for Atlanta mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms, Biden writes “Man, that last name really makes me slip into a lot of daydreams. I’ll have to sneak up behind her to see if she lives up to the hype, but from what I’ve seen of her wow figure, I’ve got to give her an eight.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is next on the list. Biden writes of her, “Sure, back in the day, she might have been a real looker, but what do they expect me to do, run next to a girl who’s old enough to be my grandmother? Also all that yakety yak. It would make four years in office seem like eight years, which means I couldn’t legally run for re-election.”

And finally, next to the name of Gretchen Whitmer, Biden writes, “Yowza! Va-va-va-voom! Perfect ten, man. Plus she’d look great smacking one of those riding crops against the leg of her SS uniform. I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful presidency.”

Questioned about the list, Dean Baquet of the New York Times said, “It can’t be sexist. If it were, we would have reported on it.”

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