Journalists Defend Zombie-like Attempt To Kill And Devour President [Satire]

The following is satirical.

After an incident that is now being referred to as “The Night of the Living Journalists,” reporters are absolutely furious that President Trump criticized them just because they attempted to slaughter and devour him.

At a briefing at the White House lawn, the journalists rose en masse from beneath the earth and then came slowly limping toward the presidential podium wearing torn, mud-streaked clothes and with their blank-eyed stares peering out of their tilted, slack-jawed faces.

Their bodies were missing limbs and obviously dead inside but still animated by some mysterious hatred-like force as they launched their slow-motion mass attack on the commander-in-chief, murmuring, “Brains, give us brains.”

Afterwards, President Trump remarked that he thought the journalists had treated him rather unfairly. The criticism ignited a firestorm of anger in the press.

On Knucklehead Row, the Op-Ed page of the New York Times, a former newspaper, feminist writer Shrilly Whinging wrote:

“It is an outrage that the White House should unleash this unprovoked attack on professional journalists who were merely trying to do their job of devouring great raw bleeding gobs of the president’s flesh and internal organs. It is no accident that this swaggering, hyper-macho presidential reaction comes just as female journalists like Brian Stelter are finding their voice, which is a little whimpering cry from beneath the bedcovers.”

On CNN, commentator and unindicted co-conspirator James Clapper, speaking in a digitally disguised voice from a nation without a U.S. extradition treaty, said:

“I never thought I would see the day that an American journalist could not kill and eat a Republican president without his motives being questioned. This is a direct assault on the First Amendment’s protection of mindless zombie-like behavior by the moral equivalent of the living dead. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to climb out this window because here come the police.”

In an angry statement on NBC, anchorman Chuck Todd said, “Brains. Give me brains.”

So far, apparently, that hasn’t happened.

Read more satire from Andrew Klavan: Confused Democrats Call Justice A Miscarriage Of Justice

Read more at The Daily Wire

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