Following the loss of her baby Jack, model and cookbook author Chrissy Teigen posted a lengthy Medium post detailing the heartbreak and her gratitude for others’ support and explaining why she had her husband singer John Legend take in-the-moment photos of Teigen’s struggle at the hospital.
“I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was,” Teigen wrote. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it.”
“He hated it. I could tell,” she said. “It didn’t make sense to him at the time.”
To Teigen, however, she wanted Jack’s life captured, remembered, and shared, just as she captured her wedding day to Legend and the births of her other two children.
“But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story,” she wrote.
Touching on some criticism Teigen says she received for the social media posts, the model wrote: “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done.”
“I lived it,” Teigen said, “I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
At the end of September, Teigen posted photos of herself struggling with the loss in the hospital and of her goodbye to baby Jack, whom she named in the womb.
“We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before,” Teigen started the Instagram. “We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough.”
“We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital,” she explained. “But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever.”
Addressing the child, Teigen wrote, “I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you.”
In her Medium post, the 34-year-old explained that she had to be induced to deliver Jack at 20 weeks old, “a boy that would have never survived in my belly.”
“I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus,” she detailed. “My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption. I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption.”
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye,” Teigen said. “He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.”
“My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” recalled Teigen. “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”
“All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind,” she wrote.
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” said Teigen. “I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
Baby Jack, the model said, “will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see.”
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